MIGRATORY PROCESSES

Migratory processes are not always simple. From a socio-psychological perspective, it is essential to understand the complexity and dimension that it has for people to leave their country, their culture, their way of life, their friends, their family and everything that was significant to them. Understanding the complexity of emotions and feelings that are mobilized during this process is of essential value to be able to know the necessary mechanisms required by immigrants to adjust to the new society. A quick adaptation is not really recommended. Many times when someone is trying to avoid real grief, he/she will make a false adaptation. In the long run, the individual often expresses a feeling of futility and of not feeling real or alive. The process that an immigrant must go through has the purpose of creating new feelings of belonging, social networking, weaving a life that is significant to him/her, accompanied by a feeling of liveliness and happiness as he/she previously had.

Encouraging diversity and coexistence through deep knowledge of our human roots is fundamental for everyone, especially for immigrants. In times of diversity and globalization, respect for others and tolerance for what is different is necessary.  There is a tendency to think that whatever is different is dangerous, and the "comfort zone" makes us look for similarities as a way of reassuring a secure base.

Although there are stages common to all migration processes, we must also address the particularities of each individual. In the first instance, the impact of language change and the difficulty of both understanding and making yourself understood will hinder communication. Frustrations are going to be frequent, and the new codes that the person must learn will generate acculturative stress.

The professional has to understand the characteristics of their personality and their own resources and how they affect or not the overcoming of cultural mourning or the so-called Ulysses Syndrome. The proposals of transcultural intervention must be oriented fundamentally to the restructuring, reconceptualization of experiences that previously had a meaning and that in the new context have to be understood and assimilated in another way, according to the new reality.

Characteristics of migratory grief:

1.- It is a partial mourning that returns frequently.

2.- It is a mourning linked to deeply rooted aspects of childhood.

3.- It is multiple, there are several at the same time (language, family, friends, culture, work, housing, etc.)

4.- Produces changes in identity, the individual is no longer the same.

5.- As a consequence, it is common to find regressive behaviors.

6.- Activates psychological defense mechanisms and errors in the processing of information.

7.- It involves feelings of ambivalence.

8.- It is trans-generational.

There is great dehumanization when dealing with today's migrations since very little attention is paid to the feelings and to the experiences of the protagonists: the immigrants.

The intervention must be fundamentally a psycho-educational type and of emotional containment since it is not a disorder, but an adaptation to a different environment. In cases in which there is depression or other types of symptomatology, the individual will be assessed in order to offer the appropriate treatment.

BABIES... Can they suffer depression?

How does maternal depression affects babies´ mind and brain?. 

Have you ever observed how babies  expression changes when they are happy or when they are sad? Have you ever looked at their eyes?. Sometimes they "shine" and others they seem to cry even though they have no tears.

Research shows that babies are sensitive to maternal emotions and are affected by them. A pregnant mother with depression will increase significantly the chances of having a high risk pregnancy, the baby will have less weight and will suffer  language retardation. It is not a matter of increasing responsibility to the mother, she already knows a lot about this, she does it herself (feeling responsable for issues that she shouldn´t). One cause of maternal depression is that they usually are over whelmed with responsibilities over the baby, as a consequence of societies expectations over motherhood and the lack of help from their mate and their environment.

The Journal of Psychiatric Neuroscience (2013) shows a significant relation between changes in the microstructure of the brains´ amygdala of the newborn and maternal depression.  Newborns underwent magnetic resonance imaging scans to examine the brain amygdala structure and diffusion tensor imaging scans to determine the integrity of the amygdala´s pattern of neural connections. 

Results show a change in the microstructure of de amygdala ( which is in charged of emotional regulation) of newborns with depressed mothers. As a result, babies showed less attachment in their bonding. 

If we think about this for a moment, we can imagine that a person who is suffering depression is not able to interact with the same energy and joy. When a person is going through a depressive episode, she feels lack of energy and a kind of "being into oneself", does not feel like interacting with the world, does not get involved in proyects, doesn´t enjoy activities, does not get involved with life. As a consequence, the baby, that is in the other side feels lack of stimuli coming from the outside world, the caretaker has physical presence but very little emotional availability. The lack of joy in  the depressed mothers´ care: bathing the baby, feeding him, putting him to sleep, etc. will transform most activities in a bored routine where the baby will grow with a profound wound, the luck of joy.

The way we carry the baby, we feed him, change his diapers can be a joy or it can be a burden, they can be performed like just a routine task, no feelings involved, that hurts the infant.

The babies´ environment has a repercussion in their brain development specially in early infancy.

The is an 80% of  depressed mothers that are not being treated, partly because they are not being diagnosed.

HOW CAN WE HELP?

1.-  Never talk to a depressed person in a way that she might feel acussed or  that she is doing it wrong, they already accuse themselves. 

2.- A good community network is crucial. People that can give a hand to the new mother in every way, going to the drug store or keeping good company or emotional support.

3- Put aside "social entertainment " a new mother should not be disturbed with these issues, it is energy consuming and she needs all of it for her new motherhood experience.

4.- Partner arriving earlier home, makes her feel she is not alone in this new protect. 

5.- Time to recover. In Gotos´ islands,  mothers are helped by other ladies from their community which will do all the work for her, for at least one month. The new mother only has to rest and to feed the baby.

6.- Think about different people that can take care of the baby for short periods of time, it will be appreciated. Be cautious with family help, it can be necessary but it can bring unwanted results. More frequent than what one would like, when feelings of rivalry arise they can be acted on, as a consequence the mother will feel inadequate.

7.- The "new mother" as soon as she feels like it, she can start with  fun activities that she might enjoy  not related to motherhood. Having interests and desires besides the babies needs is good for both, mother and infant.

SUSPICION OF SEXUAL ABUSE. How should we proceed?

The statistics are atrocious, in the U.S.A. . 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of 7 boys will suffer  sexual abuse before they turn 18. In spite of this, appropriate steps are not taken.

Misconceptions about C.S.A. (Child Sexual Abuse), in abuse there is penetration, and if there was no penetration, then it’s okay… it not the same as abuse. In the vast majority of C.S.A. there is no penetration. The definition of C.S.A. is determined to be an asymmetrical relationship where the adult imposes their SEXUALITY AND THEIR NEEDS on the child. 

Specialists estimate that 95 % of the cases of C.S.A. occur in the close family environment and that the aggressor is someone who maintains a close relationship with the victim (father, stepfather, brother, grandfather, uncle, teacher, usually a male figure).

It is often thought that if there was no violence, is not so disturbing. Tihs is a FALSE belief, when it is "seduction" by manipulating and cajoling the child it may be more maddening, because of the confusion it generates in the minor (but if they didn’t force me, I would also desire it!).  The victims are often blamed and feel that they are the ones who caused it, as a way of turning this traumatic experience that they had nothing to do with around , nor have they been able to do anything to escape because in all cases they have been "DUPED".  It is a form of reversing the situation, if they feel that they caused the abuse, then they can feel that they have some control over the trauma. They are more reassured to think that they were active members of the situation than that they were victims, which is what generates more horror and helplessness.

Without a doubt, we should stop sexual abusers from perpetrating this behavior . However, taking into account the difficulty of detecting the perpetrators (they are well hidden, and usually work or close to  places where they can exercise their perversion), given that they will always deny that they have committed sexual abuse and even if they are caught, they will maintain a facade of perfect behavior as long as there is "surveillance" and then revert to abuse, we must look at other alternatives.

From the point of view of psychotherapy there is a key concept in the question of abuse that I am not going to go into deeply, I will do that in another article dedicated to it, but I will state them: the compulsion (unconscious) to repeat fragments (re-enactment) of the trauma and from forensic psychology another: THE CREDIBILITY OF THE TESTIMONY of a juvenile, S.V.A. (Statement Validity Assessment).  The two usually entail a high level of professionalism and complexity. Although they are the least frequent we may also find ourselves with false statements.

Therefore, compared to the doubt or suspicion that a child could be in this situation I strongly recommend following a preventive program with a professional. Far from destroying the naivety of the child, it teaches the child to be very attentive to their perceptions and to be very assertive, so that they can recognize it and seek the help of reliable adults. It is the best tool that we can give to a child in response to this situation, because what they have learned will remain with them all time, it will be their best protection.

How can parents help?

It is of crucial importance not to attempt to "drag" the information out of the child. Offer yourself as an adult who can listen, be reliable, give support, protection, security and act appropriately in this situation. Sometimes the response of the surrounding environment is more traumatic when faced with abuse.

You always have to listen to children and not make them feel that what they say is irrelevant because of the fact that they are young. The majority of children don’t say anything when they are the victims of sexual abuse because they think that adults are not going to believe them.

Do not make them feel that adults never make mistakes and that if an adult says something it must be right.
 Teach them to be assertive.
Convey the concept that "my body is mine and I control my body" to them.  Do not insist on that they let others kiss and hug them if they do not want to. For example: "It would be good if you kissed your aunt, but if you don't want to she will understand, you can give her one when you want to".  This does not absolve them of greeting someone, good manners must be taught. 
    Teach them to be able to differentiate between good and bad touching, that which makes you feel good and that which makes you feel weird.
    A game is when all those who are involved in it are having fun, when only one person is enjoying it, it is not a game!
    There are "secrets" and there are "secrets", when secrets hide things that should not be hidden it is not good to keep them.

COUPLE’S ISSUES

If you want to have a good relationship with your partner you must look at different points and strengthen those which are the weakest. 

It is clear that a couple with "deeply rooted" problems should see a specialist, in order to work towards solving the problem the professional must have an impact on what is to be done, but….  Why wait for the relationship to deteriorate?

I propose a few data that can help to avoid this situation. Curiously an article called "Why Marriges Fail" form Network magazine, which specializes in family issues, presents some startling results. 

After taking different variables that may be affecting your relationship with your partner into account, they concluded that the couples who were happiest in their relationships were those that maintained an average from 5 to 1, of happy and pleasant times to difficult and negative moments. This means that for every 5 moments of feeling good we can only have one of discomfort for them to be offset in the relationship.

According to the most orthodox thinking, for the relationship as a couple to work there has to be a high degree of compatibility between the two persons: they must agree on important issues: sex, money, religion and education of the children. The traditional concept that compatibility is what determines whether the couple stays together is erroneous, it is the way in which the couple manages their incompatibility and in general the emotional quality of their affective exchanges that will determine positive or negative experiences in their relationship.

Contrary to what you might think, in couples that are happy, it is not true that men are less emotionally expressive than women. 

No person would expect returns on an investment that they had not made, correct?" Why is it then that if our relationship is such an important element in our life, we manage it without investing in it? Why do we expect to reap "dividends" if no initial investment has been made? All of this opens up different lines of thinking that we will not discuss here for practical reasons.

In a healthy couple, we find the following elements:

1.- High level of independence between the two partners, the capability to be alone and be self-sufficient. Two well differentiated partners. More than one being "the better half", each one being whole. This means two people with well established and developed desires. 

2.- It is very important that are mutually supportive, that the partner supports personal growth in the other member of the couple. Many times, consciously or unconsciously we restrict the personal growth of the individual, sometimes because of fear, insecurities, etc.  A good exercise would be: Am I helping you to achieve your personal and professional goals? How do I motivate you? Do I lend my enthusiasm to their projects even though they are not own?

3.- Sensual Capacity. Everyone has their own capacity of sensuality, developed in their childhood through their first bonds. But at the same time this capability comes into play with the capacity or the difficulty of the other in this area. What is important is that there is a meeting point between the two sensualities, which does not necessarily imply sexuality, another point is dedicated to this. For example, going to an exhibition could stimulate the sensuality of both. Practicing a sport together, like skiing, sliding on the snow would fall into this activity, cooking together. It is linked to the awakening of eroticism, experiencing the sensoriality in the body.

4.- Sexual ability. There is a search for sexual arousal that has as its purpose an "orgasmic discharge".  Although each couple finds "their forms" there is a tendency today to unlink sexuality from the relationship which often leads to unsatisfactory relationships. This is not a gymnastic exercise, but precisely what allows it to be a unique experience is the ability to play and the involvement that they can have in it. Desire should be loose. Travel always facilitates the sexual encounter, because it allows for a more distracted scenario, outside the family context, which helps the couple to be able to take on other more stimulating roles rather than being limited to "maternity/paternity" or "work".

5.- Capacity for tenderness. It is one of the most human capabilities. Tenderness searches for the happiness and well-being of the other person through seemingly small details. It is a soft hug which envelops them, but this requires a certain degree of inner peace and well-being with oneself. For this reason, we suggest creating spaces and times together without any particular purpose.

6.- Ability to become intimate. The ability to know the other person, to open up in the relationship and to be able to become deeply involved in the desires, the dreams, the motivations, the problems and the everyday life of the other person. For this reason, we suggest that one interest oneself in developing the curiosity to get to know the other.

7.- Emotional honesty. Adult sincerity, the desire to communicate with the other person with frankness and emotional freedom in spite of the fact that their thoughts do not coincide. What can help to develop this capacity is assertiveness, being able to express negative feelings without hurting the other person.  

THE HYPERACTIVE CHILD

The week I was obtusely determined to talk about Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, because I am very tired of the saturation of Attention Deficit cases everywhere, it seems like Concerta is passed out like “a party gift” and the poor children are popping pills without complaining.

The performance of a differential diagnosis between hyperactive symptomology and a hyperactive child is essential. In consultation I have seen many children diagnosed with "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" when they were in fact "very nervous" or the excess of motor activity kept them sufficiently occupied not to think about what hurt them the most. Working with them, the most traumatic issues that they kept hidden with their feelings which were totally denied, being able to express them and give them a proper emotional outlet, had its effects and their "hyperactivity" subsided.

It seems to me that when children and adults with traumatic issues avoid talking about them or talk about them all the time, it is for some reason, or to avoid the mental suffering or "vomit up what happened to them" which means that there was no  psychological elaboration work done.
Other times I have found diagnosed hyperactivity masking depression. Children are that way, sometimes they feel sad but instead of displaying their sadness they become irritable.

Other times the symptoms of hyperactivity are linked to the intersubjective, to their relationship with "another person", it is not uncommon then to observe how a small child becomes "hyperactive" as a way of "bringing" the mother out of a case of depression, although it seems like fiction this happens in the real world and as professionals we find ourselves with these cases when we are look beyond the symptoms, if we only stick with the "hyperactivity" diagnosis and we prescribe a little pill, we are washing our hands of the emotional issue that many times is much more distressing to the parents.

All this leads me to the question: "to what extent does Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" perform the function of "removing guilt" from the parents? Which is to say, how many parents feel so distressed about "having done things badly" that they prefer a diagnosis that places the entire burden on the child?

We can also find the opposite, parents who want to attribute an emotional cause to "Hyperactivity Disorder" because in this way they feel that they can do something to change it, if the psychologist works with the child it can be resolved and unfortunately this is not always the case. They can help them a great deal, but it would be to accept this characteristic of the child.

The inattention and impulsivity are very characteristic of these children who are often severely judged by adults: "they only concentrate when they want to or when they like something", that the child is only able to "do their best" in a given moment, this does not mean that they can always do it. Teachers brand them as "lazy".  There is no worse condemnation or cruelty than to attach a "negative identity" to a child who is constructing their own. 

For them to stay focused in class requires an enormous effort and they often end up being exhausted after the effort it takes to be attentive. In general they are distracted by any external stimulus. The hyperactive child does not go unnoticed because they are very disturbing, at school, at home, etc. there is always far too much noise around them.

When there are other pathologies within the attention déficit symptomatology, but they are more serious pathologies, then the disorder would included  the ADD, I am referring to schizophrenia for example, generalized developmental disorder, etc.

In any case, it seems to me, that what we need to do is perform a thorough diagnosis and not hesitate to dedicate more time if it is needed, the child deserves it.